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Congratulations, Floor B13! It’s officially time for you all to come back into the office. It’s been years since all that sneezing, and we miss you. You have to come back. Not convinced? Well, here’s how much fun your in-office peers are already having!
“While remote, I found free-running, watercolors, and love. Now I’ve got a standing desk.” —Dennis, project manager. Back at mission control!
“This’ll be fun until layoffs.” —Alison, automation specialist. The office cutup returns!
“The office is my home. The team is my family. Earnings are my lover.” —Tyson, junior tax-reduction associate. The heartthrob of Floor B13!
“It’s exciting news! That my boss sent me from Bali.” —Pat, senior marketing associate. Feeling the mandatory hype!
“I’ll share my thoughts later. My deskmate doesn’t like small talk. Or business talk. Or me.” —Jordan, copywriter. Catching up with old friends!
“I wish the walls at home had talked, instead of sealing me in silence. Time stalled. I was forgotten and faceless, even to myself. I found a world of isolation I’d previously thought impossible. I left life, and entered its imitation. So I’d call this a lateral move.” —Nina, crisis-management expert. Another office cutup!
“Your loved ones come first. Luckily, I don’t have any. Even after the holiday party.” —Carl, department manager. Desperate, in a fun way!
“Our floor has 3,169 faux-ceramic tiles. Two of them are cracked, and one has a soft white fuzz growing around it. The fuzz gives me hope for tomorrow.” —Clementine, customer-deflection designer. Enjoying the view!
“My team has lots of in-jokes. Like when Martha screams into a paper bag twice a day and we pretend we can’t hear her. Hilarious!” —Diane, human-resources associate. Often sober!
“My deskmate smells like roadkill, just like my roommate. It’s like I never left home.” —Kei, flowchart designer. Feeling the vibe!
“I never want to leave again! Or come back! I don’t want to do anything! My world is night.” —Marvin, assistant executive assistant. The cutup of all cutups!
“Why own a fast car if you don’t drive it . . . for two hours each way . . . through ten-mile-per-hour gridlock?” —Sunali, consultancy consultant. Taking the scenic route!
“My son’s first word was ‘nanny.’ ” —Rick, criminal-liability analyst. He never left!
“Work-life balance matters. I got way more done remotely, so I’m in a much healthier place now.” —Victor, mutagen engineer. Welcome back!
“At first, I missed the bagel spot downstairs. Then, in the hours I used to spend commuting, I learned how to bake. It’s really rewarding. I recommend it.” —Pete, auger. Inspired by his work!
“I can survive this. I can survive anything.” —Willa, director of job titles. Unstoppable enthusiasm!
“Guess whose house arrest has a work-release clause?” —Issac, security consultant. Back in action!
“We’re a found family, like in that one sitcom—you know, ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.’ ” —Bette, poll adjuster. The office tastemaker!
“They were gone? Lock them inside this time.” —Thomas, director of human resources. Another joker! So many jokers!
“Whatever you want. I’m excited! And happy to be here, for years to come. Please.” —Howard, freelance newsletter writer. Knows his place!
“The gossip’s better live. I just heard how much our new C.E.O. makes. Big number.” —Wanda, unclear. The queen of office comedy!
“I made my work wife a gift. She doesn’t know she’s my work wife yet. It’s a song about my feelings.” —Arvin, auxiliary redundancy analyst. Keeping H.R. busy!
“Is the click fixed? Before we went remote, the office had a click. A sound that repeated every 43.2 seconds. Minor at first, but it gets to you eventually. Like water torture.” —Pauline, intern wrangler. In for a surprise!
“Meeting in person’s great—it makes the job more human. Three days a week actually sounds— Oh. Every single weekday, forever? Give me a minute.” —Ciara, community manager. Learning the score! ♦
